Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
