Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
