Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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