My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize