I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
