I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
