I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
