don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
