It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
