I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
