How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
