I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
