I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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