Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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