shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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