Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
