did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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