the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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