My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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