Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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