I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
