3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This is the high leading the old right now
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
