Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
