i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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