He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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