Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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