when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
