Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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