My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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