babies were throwing up all over the place
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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