I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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