a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
