Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
