I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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