I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
