Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
