You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
