I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
