i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Randomize
