Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
