I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize