just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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