I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
