What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He felt like a one man threesome
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
