What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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