what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
