It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
