She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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