Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
