glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
