Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
