He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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