it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
