similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
