he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize