Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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