I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
