Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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