no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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