i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Screwed.edu
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
