you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just high enough for therapy.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
