i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Randomize
