He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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